Seeking out therapy is not always straightforward. If I fall off my bike and break my arm, I go to A&E. But what happens if I am feeling low, sad or anxious? If I am not enjoying life? If I’m ruminating on small worries or having the same disagreements with friends and colleagues repeatedly? Does that warrant using a counselling service?
There is no right or wrong time to seek therapy – it’s a very personal choice – but it’s useful to be aware of the beliefs and misconceptions that might get in the way of trying talking therapies.
Five ways people talk themselves out of talking therapy
1. Only very unwell people go to therapy
We might imagine that we only ‘qualify’ for therapy if something traumatic has happened – a loss, illness, or relationship breakdown. Of course, people often reach out to a therapist after big, derailing events, for bereavement or marriage counselling for instance, but these are not the only times to seek help. Many people come simply because they are feeling low, ‘not right’, distracted or anxious. You do not have to wait until you are in crisis, breaking down or burning out, before going to therapy. In fact, truly beneficial work often takes place after the storm has passed, not while it’s still raging.
2. I must know why I am going
I am depressed. I want to leave my husband. I am drinking too much… Many clients walk into therapy with a presenting problem, but often what we end up discussing is something else entirely. So, you might know why you want therapy, but it really doesn’t matter if you don’t. Perhaps you simply feel out of sorts, lost or sad. Perhaps it is hard to name what’s going on for you. Perhaps you would like to know yourself better, and be known. Perhaps you are curious about yourself (good for you!). These are all legitimate reasons for seeking therapy.
3. The problem isn’t me, it’s him/her/them…
It can feel hard to admit that we need to work on ourselves. Why do I have to go to therapy? You are the problem! You can only change yourself though, and by doing so you can change the other. So, tackle what you can tackle – that’s you! Since it's your behaviour that elicits a response you don't like in the other, do something else.
4. Therapy is self-indulgent
Many people struggle to justify the time and expense of therapy. It can feel like a discretionary, non-essential option that, when set against all the demands on our diary and finances, just can’t compete. To counter this, think of therapy as an investment that will repay you throughout your life. People report feeling lighter, with a greater sense of self-acceptance and awareness after therapy. They shake off old habits of thinking, feeling and behaving and can relate more freely to others, feel more able to cope with life and are better able to relax.
5. I will ‘open a can of worms’
Sometimes, the fear of what we might discover if we begin to explore ourselves can deter us from getting therapy. What if I meet those parts of myself I don’t like? What if I am overwhelmed by memories? What if I open the floodgates of emotion and drown in the deluge?
It is an understandable fear, but not talking about something doesn't make it go away, it makes it scarier. We can’t fix what we don’t face, so opening up about painful thoughts, feelings and behaviours is important work. It may be difficult – good work takes place on the boundary of comfort – but doing this in the presence of a therapist makes the process safe. Trust that your therapist will support you at every stage, going at a pace that feels OK for you, and providing containment for whatever emerges.
If you’re interested in starting therapy, I offer a free 20-minute consultation. Please email me and we can set this up.
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