Every September, Macmillan Cancer Support encourages people to hold a coffee morning to raise money for the specialist health care, information and financial support it provides to people affected by cancer. This year, it is on the 27th September. I was privileged to work as a Macmillan counsellor for 18 months. My clients were recovering from or living with the disease. They were all unique, of course, but whether they had bowel or lung cancer, a brain tumour or lymphoma, they often expressed similar feelings about their experience. Here are six themes that frequently came up. Perhaps, if you have had cancer, you recognise some of them?
Now what?
From the moment of diagnosis, cancer treatment is usually rapid. You are caught up in appointments, tests, perhaps surgery, chemotherapy, radiotherapy. It’s busy. It can be frightening and debilitating, but people also report feeling cared for, enveloped by the support of a huge team of professionals. They are tackling their cancer, too, which feels proactive. They may also feel loved, with friends and family rallying round.
What happens when treatment stops, though? This can be the beginning of a new and equally gruelling chapter, saturated with vulnerability. The reality of what you have been through begins to sink in. You may be shocked, scared, angry, confused, disbelieving and panicked. Loved ones and friends may assume that since treatment is over and you look OK, you’re fine. Congratulations! You’re all done! This can leave you feeling very alone, but unable to voice your feelings.
One client I worked with was glad when he had a scare some months after treatment, since it meant he could return to hospital for tests. He felt safe there, enjoyed the support of the nurses, and was glad to have a thorough investigation of his symptoms, even though they were worrying. For him, this felt preferable to being symptom-free, but worried about what might be happening inside him, unseen. Which leads to the next point…
Losing trust in your body
After a cancer diagnosis, you may feel that your body has betrayed you. Perhaps you were fit before or rarely ill, and then cancer throws your life dramatically off course. If you had no symptoms, the knowledge that a tumour grew inside you without detection is extremely unsettling and frightening. Your confidence and self esteem can be hurt.
Fear of recurrence
Fearing a recurrence is very real for almost all cancer patients. It can colour how you feel about your body, your future, your job and relationships. We all live with uncertainty, but a cancer patient lives with it actively and vividly. We all understand that we may get ill at some point in our lives, but this knowledge remains vague and hypothetical. For a cancer patient, it has already happened and it could happen again.
Wanting to go back to how things were before
Many of the cancer patients I saw said they longed to get back to how they were before their diagnosis and treatment. Their work, their pastimes, their relationships, sex life – all of it. The desire was to parcel the cancer episode up, put it away and simply drop back into their life. It’s an understandable reaction to a devastating experience. It is also impossible. A better option is engaging with what you have been through. This is a grieving process, for all the losses that cancer has inflicted, both personal and physical: income, self worth, security, confidence, the possibility of having more children. From there, slowly, it is possible to build some acceptance for what has happened and a connection with a ‘new normal.’
Guilt
Guilt for worrying loved ones. For ignoring symptoms. For using up the NHS’s time and resources. For not being as energetic, as slim, as able to concentrate as before. For losing libido, appetite, motivation. The list goes on, and it can burden cancer patients and stand in the way of self compassion.
Loneliness
Any serious illness can be profoundly isolating, no matter how much support you have around you. Only you have to endure the symptoms, surgery and treatment. Only you are left with the psychological scars, the task of rebuilding your life or of coming to terms with what time you have left. It can feel very lonely. In addition, friends and family may offer unhelpful ‘if I was you…’ advice, urge you to think positively or need you to laugh about your experience. Or they may simply avoid talking about it.
You may also feel you cannot share your true feelings about your illness. Perhaps you feel ashamed for not having ‘got over’ cancer better, or for still feeling scared, furious or depressed. Perhaps you suspect that your family or friends are bored of hearing about cancer. Perhaps you feel ‘why me?’ Perhaps you are jealous of those untouched by illness. Carrying these feelings alone can take a physical as well as a mental toll.
It can be hard to air these complex responses, but talking to a therapist helps. It is a chance to be heard and validated in a neutral, confidential space, and to express everything, from rage to despair, without fear of judgement or dismissal. Talking with a therapist can also helpfully model how you might talk to others about how you are feeling, which builds the potential to reconnect with loved ones after cancer.
If you’re interested in having therapy, I offer a free 20-minute consultation. Please email me and we can set this up.
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